Miss Mallory: They Were Roommates…

Hey Ms Mallory: during COVID, things got a bit complicated and I happened to hook up with my housemate. We are in this awkward place now of seeing each other, and not, but also living together. It’s super confusing. Please help.


First of all, honey, what were you thinking? Were you honestly that deprived you couldn’t last a couple of months in isolation? I think you and I need to take a trip to Fulfillment and have a few lessons on self-pleasure if we are resorting to antics like this.

Haven’t you heard the saying, do not fornicate where you eat? Well, that’s not the original saying, but I gave it that good old modern twist. You never blur the lines. That whole “office romance” or “lovers to friends” trope is so old school, and frankly should stay at Barnes & Noble where it belongs.

But you’ve done it now, we can’t undo that, so I will give you a few tips and tricks on getting yourself out of the mud since you got down and dirty.

Just pack your bags and go – hunt around for a new place and live by yourself, since you can’t keep your hands off the people you live with. I am not saying sex is bad. Sex is fan-bloody-tastic. I’m just saying, choose your concubine more wisely in the future.

If moving out isn’t on the cards, move him out. Recreate Kourtney Kardashian throwing Scott out of her house and throw his shit over the balcony. Set fire to it on the front lawn. Give it to good will. Too dramatic for you, love?

I am assuming you need something to tide you over until you move you out. Here it is: open your mouth and speak to him. It’s not as hard as you’re making it out to be in your head. You need to have some form of conversation to establish where you stand, although I think we both know you stand 1.5 meters apart, and sleep even further.

Whatever you do, do it with confidence and tell him what’s what. Wheel that bag down the driveway (clicking heels preferred but not mandatory), and never look back.

Got a question for Ms Mallory? Send it to unsa@newcastle.edu.au!

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